June 21, 2015. Happy Father's day. Today it has been 2 months to the day that I delivered Nathan and Caleb. I have had some very dark days and some days of peace and comfort. More comfort started to come last week. Our church is having a class on the Seven Deadly Sins. I wanted to take this class because I'm not sure where God is leading me in all of this. It is a small class and we all know each other, so instead of introducing ourselves we told why we were there. Well I had to lie when it got to my turn I was the last one. I said I was there because I wanted to be more involved with the Church outside of helping with the school. The real reason I am there is because I'm not sure what God wants to show me since we lost the boys 2 months ago. I am there looking for guidance and peace. I could not say this out loud because I knew I would start crying. Everyone in that room was at Nathan and Caleb's services so I feel love and support but I still didn't want to break down.
We watch a video and right off the bat the priest starts talking about God's will and how the #1 sin is worry. We all should not worry because it is God's plan. I knew then that God was telling me he had plan for Nathan and Caleb. I felt a weight lifted from me. I still felt weight on me but I could feel I was starting to heal.
Then on Saturday I logged on to Facebook and a lot of my friends where posting about gearing up for yet another fun filled week at Camp Hope. One post was all about "Ma" Donna Brown. She lost 2 children to cancer and had a dream of starting a camp for kids with cancer. I have been so thankful for her. I know my life would not be what it is today if she would not have wanted to start camp. I would not have married Mike and I would not attend the church we attend, I would not have the friends I have. So many met at camp and met through church. It took me until I got married to know what God's plan was when I got cancer. Everything happens for a reason. And reading that post Saturday reminded me God has a plan. More weight lifted. I felt that I could be my complete happy self again. I mean I can be goofy and sing loud goofy songs again with my kids and not feel like I'm having too much fun. Don't get me wrong I still miss and want my boys with me here on earth. Today is hard because its date that is forever marked on the calendar. But I know God has a greater plan for them.
Sunday at Mass the homily was all about God's will. Father talked about how we all think we will get answers when we get to heaven. How we have this list of questions on why all the bad stuff that has happened in our lives has happened. I understood it as God owes us no explanation. For a while I was said that I will never know the purpose of having a baby born and only living a few minutes out side my womb and his brother only having life inside my womb and never living outside. But then I realized I wont need to know the answers. There is not pain, not sadness in heaven. I will see my Nathan and Caleb again one day and meet the other 3 that I miscarried to soon to meet.
Nathan and Caleb taught me to love every second of life. We fell in love with those 2 through ultrasound. We laughed when we watch Nathan give is brother a swift kick in the butt. Literally. I hope and pray they felt the love we have for them. I hope and pray they knew we did whatever it took to try to save them. Even though my grief is getting softer it is still there and will be forever. They were sweet boys that made us laugh before we even meat them.
Accepting God's will is not easy and takes time but I am finding that God is leading me through and teaching me to dance in this storm.
