June 21, 2015. Happy Father's day. Today it has been 2 months to the day that I delivered Nathan and Caleb. I have had some very dark days and some days of peace and comfort. More comfort started to come last week. Our church is having a class on the Seven Deadly Sins. I wanted to take this class because I'm not sure where God is leading me in all of this. It is a small class and we all know each other, so instead of introducing ourselves we told why we were there. Well I had to lie when it got to my turn I was the last one. I said I was there because I wanted to be more involved with the Church outside of helping with the school. The real reason I am there is because I'm not sure what God wants to show me since we lost the boys 2 months ago. I am there looking for guidance and peace. I could not say this out loud because I knew I would start crying. Everyone in that room was at Nathan and Caleb's services so I feel love and support but I still didn't want to break down.
We watch a video and right off the bat the priest starts talking about God's will and how the #1 sin is worry. We all should not worry because it is God's plan. I knew then that God was telling me he had plan for Nathan and Caleb. I felt a weight lifted from me. I still felt weight on me but I could feel I was starting to heal.
Then on Saturday I logged on to Facebook and a lot of my friends where posting about gearing up for yet another fun filled week at Camp Hope. One post was all about "Ma" Donna Brown. She lost 2 children to cancer and had a dream of starting a camp for kids with cancer. I have been so thankful for her. I know my life would not be what it is today if she would not have wanted to start camp. I would not have married Mike and I would not attend the church we attend, I would not have the friends I have. So many met at camp and met through church. It took me until I got married to know what God's plan was when I got cancer. Everything happens for a reason. And reading that post Saturday reminded me God has a plan. More weight lifted. I felt that I could be my complete happy self again. I mean I can be goofy and sing loud goofy songs again with my kids and not feel like I'm having too much fun. Don't get me wrong I still miss and want my boys with me here on earth. Today is hard because its date that is forever marked on the calendar. But I know God has a greater plan for them.
Sunday at Mass the homily was all about God's will. Father talked about how we all think we will get answers when we get to heaven. How we have this list of questions on why all the bad stuff that has happened in our lives has happened. I understood it as God owes us no explanation. For a while I was said that I will never know the purpose of having a baby born and only living a few minutes out side my womb and his brother only having life inside my womb and never living outside. But then I realized I wont need to know the answers. There is not pain, not sadness in heaven. I will see my Nathan and Caleb again one day and meet the other 3 that I miscarried to soon to meet.
Nathan and Caleb taught me to love every second of life. We fell in love with those 2 through ultrasound. We laughed when we watch Nathan give is brother a swift kick in the butt. Literally. I hope and pray they felt the love we have for them. I hope and pray they knew we did whatever it took to try to save them. Even though my grief is getting softer it is still there and will be forever. They were sweet boys that made us laugh before we even meat them.
Accepting God's will is not easy and takes time but I am finding that God is leading me through and teaching me to dance in this storm.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Life's little 'er uh BIG surprises
January 19, 2015 was the day our surprises started. I had decided to buy a home pregnancy test. Really not that worried because I was 3 days late for my cycle, I am however getting older so they could be getting longer between each one right? And I have always been very cautious when we were not planning any babies. Well guess who was wrong-o with a capital WRONG? This girl! We had 7 pregnancy 3 of those were miscarriages and 4 were preterm deliveries we were done adding to our family. Me out of fear because I didn't want to chance a baby born early again. And I have a corky thing with even numbers. All 4 of the kids were born on even numbered years. 2002, 2006, 2008, 2014. There are odd dates in there too. They were all born on odd numbered days. 7th, 17th, 9th, and 13th. But for some reason my brain focuses on the even. We wanted to have our kids when we were young so we could be younger when they were gone away from the nest. Being a stay at home mom for 12 years with 2 more years to go before our baby was in school all day. I prepared myself that we where all done adding to our family. I began to start planning on volunteering at Victory in the Valley, going to the gym for the exercise classes that my schedule would not allow with a toddler who naps in the afternoon. I wanted to volunteer at Camp Hope this summer. I still planned to be a stay at home mom. Mike because he was about to turn 40 and he has said "3 kids is enough, 4 is crazy". LOL. He really does love his babies though and we love crazy. He really is an amazing, patient husband and dad. I trusted in God and the NFP. Oh yeah we got rid of all baby clothes, exersaucer, swing, bottles, and little baby toys at Christmas time. I made Mike keep the crib and changing table.
I took home pregnancy test. The first line was supposed to be the positive line and the
second line was the one that shows up with a positive or negative. First line showed up very quickly
and dark. Thinking to myself or maybe talking to myself out loud, "no, no, no,". I took the second test that was in the box. Same exact thing happened. Shaking at this point. I called Mike at work. Shaking, crying. Not because I wasn't happy about another baby. It was because I've always had difficult pregnancy and delivered prematurely and I was scared our luck was running out. What if this one came way to early and didn't survive. He had to call me back. Well he is always so calm, cool, and collected. He did end up coming home a little early that day. I did think wow that line showed up fast and bright. I have a friend who has twins that the same line was bright very quickly for her too. The thought went through my head but twins are rare. Mike and I joke for the next few weeks about twins.
February 19th 2015. Our first doctors appointment. I go straight to the untrasound. My doctor always does a untrasound the first visit since I am prone to miscarriages and I have go be referred to a Maternial-Fetal Medicine doctor. The risk on miscarriage goes down to 5% after the heartbeat is seen. When my doctor was looking for baby she had to really dig and search for it. She found it and Mike jokingly said "is there only one in there". Doc chuckled and said yes and we don't want to add
anymore risk to this pregnancy then we already have to deal with.
This brings us to March 9th. My appointment with the high risk pregnancy doctor. He is the same doctor I went to with Jamie. The same nurse the same sonographer. I didn't care for her last time. We
had to keep telling her to correct my name and D.O.B in the computer. And when we found out Jamie was a girl she typed "it's a girl sorry dad". She started the ultrasound for this pregnancy. I thought I saw one baby then she moved to a different part do my tummy and I saw another baby. But also thought I have no idea how those machines work. I saw her out of my peripheral vision look at me. Then she said "did you know you were having twins"? I looked at Mike and then at her and said no. She said well you are. I said there was only one in there 3 weeks ago, someone is wrong. About that time the doctor walked in and he asked how I was doing? I said well she just told me I was having twins. He said "This wasn't on the schedule for today". I said "This whole pregnancy wasn't on the schedule." Then he proceeded to tells us all the different types of twins. I thought there was only fraternal and identical.
1.Fraternal Twins are when 2 eggs are fertilized with 2 sperm.
2. Diamniotic, dichorionic Twins are identical and have two separate placentas, amniotic sac. These twins split in the 3 days of conceptions.
3. Diamniotic, Monochorionic Twins are identical and their placentas fuss together and they share the placenta. They each have their own amniotic sac. This split occurs four to seven days after conception.
4. Monoamniotic, Monochorionic Twins are identical and they share a placenta and the amniotic sac. This split occurs after the eighth day.
After the doctor explained all these different types Mike asked so which ones do we have? We have diamniotic, monochorionic identical twins. #3 One of the risks with these twins is twin to twin transfusion. This is where one baby would pump to much blood and the other baby would not pump enough blood. There is something that can be done to fix this if it happens. A doctor can cauterize the artery. However there is no one in Kansas that does this I would need to go to Philadelphia or Dallas. It's sound like fun to go to these places but not under those circumstances. Another risk factor is if on baby dies it will relax and stop pumping blood back to the other baby. I don't know if there is anything that can be done in that case. I really only heard a third of what he was saying after I heard the word twins. I also figure I can't worry about the what ifs. We will cross those bridges if we come to them. For now we are waiting on a genetic test for Down syndrome and some other genetic test. I can't remember because the doctor said he didn't see that this would be an issue he didn't see anything abnormal in the ultrasound. We also chose to find out gender with that blood test. We will know in a week if we are adding 2 boys or 2 girls to the Brown zoo.
If all genetic testing comes back normal, I'm scheduled for a cerclage on Thursday March 19th. This
is a stitch in my cervix. I have an incompetent cervix that thins and opens way before it is suppose to. Mike likes to calls it a stupid cervix. For now we are taking one day at a time. Praying everything goes as smooth as it can.
I took home pregnancy test. The first line was supposed to be the positive line and the
second line was the one that shows up with a positive or negative. First line showed up very quickly
and dark. Thinking to myself or maybe talking to myself out loud, "no, no, no,". I took the second test that was in the box. Same exact thing happened. Shaking at this point. I called Mike at work. Shaking, crying. Not because I wasn't happy about another baby. It was because I've always had difficult pregnancy and delivered prematurely and I was scared our luck was running out. What if this one came way to early and didn't survive. He had to call me back. Well he is always so calm, cool, and collected. He did end up coming home a little early that day. I did think wow that line showed up fast and bright. I have a friend who has twins that the same line was bright very quickly for her too. The thought went through my head but twins are rare. Mike and I joke for the next few weeks about twins.
February 19th 2015. Our first doctors appointment. I go straight to the untrasound. My doctor always does a untrasound the first visit since I am prone to miscarriages and I have go be referred to a Maternial-Fetal Medicine doctor. The risk on miscarriage goes down to 5% after the heartbeat is seen. When my doctor was looking for baby she had to really dig and search for it. She found it and Mike jokingly said "is there only one in there". Doc chuckled and said yes and we don't want to add
anymore risk to this pregnancy then we already have to deal with.
This brings us to March 9th. My appointment with the high risk pregnancy doctor. He is the same doctor I went to with Jamie. The same nurse the same sonographer. I didn't care for her last time. We
had to keep telling her to correct my name and D.O.B in the computer. And when we found out Jamie was a girl she typed "it's a girl sorry dad". She started the ultrasound for this pregnancy. I thought I saw one baby then she moved to a different part do my tummy and I saw another baby. But also thought I have no idea how those machines work. I saw her out of my peripheral vision look at me. Then she said "did you know you were having twins"? I looked at Mike and then at her and said no. She said well you are. I said there was only one in there 3 weeks ago, someone is wrong. About that time the doctor walked in and he asked how I was doing? I said well she just told me I was having twins. He said "This wasn't on the schedule for today". I said "This whole pregnancy wasn't on the schedule." Then he proceeded to tells us all the different types of twins. I thought there was only fraternal and identical.
1.Fraternal Twins are when 2 eggs are fertilized with 2 sperm.
2. Diamniotic, dichorionic Twins are identical and have two separate placentas, amniotic sac. These twins split in the 3 days of conceptions.
3. Diamniotic, Monochorionic Twins are identical and their placentas fuss together and they share the placenta. They each have their own amniotic sac. This split occurs four to seven days after conception.
4. Monoamniotic, Monochorionic Twins are identical and they share a placenta and the amniotic sac. This split occurs after the eighth day.
After the doctor explained all these different types Mike asked so which ones do we have? We have diamniotic, monochorionic identical twins. #3 One of the risks with these twins is twin to twin transfusion. This is where one baby would pump to much blood and the other baby would not pump enough blood. There is something that can be done to fix this if it happens. A doctor can cauterize the artery. However there is no one in Kansas that does this I would need to go to Philadelphia or Dallas. It's sound like fun to go to these places but not under those circumstances. Another risk factor is if on baby dies it will relax and stop pumping blood back to the other baby. I don't know if there is anything that can be done in that case. I really only heard a third of what he was saying after I heard the word twins. I also figure I can't worry about the what ifs. We will cross those bridges if we come to them. For now we are waiting on a genetic test for Down syndrome and some other genetic test. I can't remember because the doctor said he didn't see that this would be an issue he didn't see anything abnormal in the ultrasound. We also chose to find out gender with that blood test. We will know in a week if we are adding 2 boys or 2 girls to the Brown zoo.
If all genetic testing comes back normal, I'm scheduled for a cerclage on Thursday March 19th. This
is a stitch in my cervix. I have an incompetent cervix that thins and opens way before it is suppose to. Mike likes to calls it a stupid cervix. For now we are taking one day at a time. Praying everything goes as smooth as it can.
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