June 21, 2015. Happy Father's day. Today it has been 2 months to the day that I delivered Nathan and Caleb. I have had some very dark days and some days of peace and comfort. More comfort started to come last week. Our church is having a class on the Seven Deadly Sins. I wanted to take this class because I'm not sure where God is leading me in all of this. It is a small class and we all know each other, so instead of introducing ourselves we told why we were there. Well I had to lie when it got to my turn I was the last one. I said I was there because I wanted to be more involved with the Church outside of helping with the school. The real reason I am there is because I'm not sure what God wants to show me since we lost the boys 2 months ago. I am there looking for guidance and peace. I could not say this out loud because I knew I would start crying. Everyone in that room was at Nathan and Caleb's services so I feel love and support but I still didn't want to break down.
We watch a video and right off the bat the priest starts talking about God's will and how the #1 sin is worry. We all should not worry because it is God's plan. I knew then that God was telling me he had plan for Nathan and Caleb. I felt a weight lifted from me. I still felt weight on me but I could feel I was starting to heal.
Then on Saturday I logged on to Facebook and a lot of my friends where posting about gearing up for yet another fun filled week at Camp Hope. One post was all about "Ma" Donna Brown. She lost 2 children to cancer and had a dream of starting a camp for kids with cancer. I have been so thankful for her. I know my life would not be what it is today if she would not have wanted to start camp. I would not have married Mike and I would not attend the church we attend, I would not have the friends I have. So many met at camp and met through church. It took me until I got married to know what God's plan was when I got cancer. Everything happens for a reason. And reading that post Saturday reminded me God has a plan. More weight lifted. I felt that I could be my complete happy self again. I mean I can be goofy and sing loud goofy songs again with my kids and not feel like I'm having too much fun. Don't get me wrong I still miss and want my boys with me here on earth. Today is hard because its date that is forever marked on the calendar. But I know God has a greater plan for them.
Sunday at Mass the homily was all about God's will. Father talked about how we all think we will get answers when we get to heaven. How we have this list of questions on why all the bad stuff that has happened in our lives has happened. I understood it as God owes us no explanation. For a while I was said that I will never know the purpose of having a baby born and only living a few minutes out side my womb and his brother only having life inside my womb and never living outside. But then I realized I wont need to know the answers. There is not pain, not sadness in heaven. I will see my Nathan and Caleb again one day and meet the other 3 that I miscarried to soon to meet.
Nathan and Caleb taught me to love every second of life. We fell in love with those 2 through ultrasound. We laughed when we watch Nathan give is brother a swift kick in the butt. Literally. I hope and pray they felt the love we have for them. I hope and pray they knew we did whatever it took to try to save them. Even though my grief is getting softer it is still there and will be forever. They were sweet boys that made us laugh before we even meat them.
Accepting God's will is not easy and takes time but I am finding that God is leading me through and teaching me to dance in this storm.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Life's little 'er uh BIG surprises
January 19, 2015 was the day our surprises started. I had decided to buy a home pregnancy test. Really not that worried because I was 3 days late for my cycle, I am however getting older so they could be getting longer between each one right? And I have always been very cautious when we were not planning any babies. Well guess who was wrong-o with a capital WRONG? This girl! We had 7 pregnancy 3 of those were miscarriages and 4 were preterm deliveries we were done adding to our family. Me out of fear because I didn't want to chance a baby born early again. And I have a corky thing with even numbers. All 4 of the kids were born on even numbered years. 2002, 2006, 2008, 2014. There are odd dates in there too. They were all born on odd numbered days. 7th, 17th, 9th, and 13th. But for some reason my brain focuses on the even. We wanted to have our kids when we were young so we could be younger when they were gone away from the nest. Being a stay at home mom for 12 years with 2 more years to go before our baby was in school all day. I prepared myself that we where all done adding to our family. I began to start planning on volunteering at Victory in the Valley, going to the gym for the exercise classes that my schedule would not allow with a toddler who naps in the afternoon. I wanted to volunteer at Camp Hope this summer. I still planned to be a stay at home mom. Mike because he was about to turn 40 and he has said "3 kids is enough, 4 is crazy". LOL. He really does love his babies though and we love crazy. He really is an amazing, patient husband and dad. I trusted in God and the NFP. Oh yeah we got rid of all baby clothes, exersaucer, swing, bottles, and little baby toys at Christmas time. I made Mike keep the crib and changing table.
I took home pregnancy test. The first line was supposed to be the positive line and the
second line was the one that shows up with a positive or negative. First line showed up very quickly
and dark. Thinking to myself or maybe talking to myself out loud, "no, no, no,". I took the second test that was in the box. Same exact thing happened. Shaking at this point. I called Mike at work. Shaking, crying. Not because I wasn't happy about another baby. It was because I've always had difficult pregnancy and delivered prematurely and I was scared our luck was running out. What if this one came way to early and didn't survive. He had to call me back. Well he is always so calm, cool, and collected. He did end up coming home a little early that day. I did think wow that line showed up fast and bright. I have a friend who has twins that the same line was bright very quickly for her too. The thought went through my head but twins are rare. Mike and I joke for the next few weeks about twins.
February 19th 2015. Our first doctors appointment. I go straight to the untrasound. My doctor always does a untrasound the first visit since I am prone to miscarriages and I have go be referred to a Maternial-Fetal Medicine doctor. The risk on miscarriage goes down to 5% after the heartbeat is seen. When my doctor was looking for baby she had to really dig and search for it. She found it and Mike jokingly said "is there only one in there". Doc chuckled and said yes and we don't want to add
anymore risk to this pregnancy then we already have to deal with.
This brings us to March 9th. My appointment with the high risk pregnancy doctor. He is the same doctor I went to with Jamie. The same nurse the same sonographer. I didn't care for her last time. We
had to keep telling her to correct my name and D.O.B in the computer. And when we found out Jamie was a girl she typed "it's a girl sorry dad". She started the ultrasound for this pregnancy. I thought I saw one baby then she moved to a different part do my tummy and I saw another baby. But also thought I have no idea how those machines work. I saw her out of my peripheral vision look at me. Then she said "did you know you were having twins"? I looked at Mike and then at her and said no. She said well you are. I said there was only one in there 3 weeks ago, someone is wrong. About that time the doctor walked in and he asked how I was doing? I said well she just told me I was having twins. He said "This wasn't on the schedule for today". I said "This whole pregnancy wasn't on the schedule." Then he proceeded to tells us all the different types of twins. I thought there was only fraternal and identical.
1.Fraternal Twins are when 2 eggs are fertilized with 2 sperm.
2. Diamniotic, dichorionic Twins are identical and have two separate placentas, amniotic sac. These twins split in the 3 days of conceptions.
3. Diamniotic, Monochorionic Twins are identical and their placentas fuss together and they share the placenta. They each have their own amniotic sac. This split occurs four to seven days after conception.
4. Monoamniotic, Monochorionic Twins are identical and they share a placenta and the amniotic sac. This split occurs after the eighth day.
After the doctor explained all these different types Mike asked so which ones do we have? We have diamniotic, monochorionic identical twins. #3 One of the risks with these twins is twin to twin transfusion. This is where one baby would pump to much blood and the other baby would not pump enough blood. There is something that can be done to fix this if it happens. A doctor can cauterize the artery. However there is no one in Kansas that does this I would need to go to Philadelphia or Dallas. It's sound like fun to go to these places but not under those circumstances. Another risk factor is if on baby dies it will relax and stop pumping blood back to the other baby. I don't know if there is anything that can be done in that case. I really only heard a third of what he was saying after I heard the word twins. I also figure I can't worry about the what ifs. We will cross those bridges if we come to them. For now we are waiting on a genetic test for Down syndrome and some other genetic test. I can't remember because the doctor said he didn't see that this would be an issue he didn't see anything abnormal in the ultrasound. We also chose to find out gender with that blood test. We will know in a week if we are adding 2 boys or 2 girls to the Brown zoo.
If all genetic testing comes back normal, I'm scheduled for a cerclage on Thursday March 19th. This
is a stitch in my cervix. I have an incompetent cervix that thins and opens way before it is suppose to. Mike likes to calls it a stupid cervix. For now we are taking one day at a time. Praying everything goes as smooth as it can.
I took home pregnancy test. The first line was supposed to be the positive line and the
second line was the one that shows up with a positive or negative. First line showed up very quickly
and dark. Thinking to myself or maybe talking to myself out loud, "no, no, no,". I took the second test that was in the box. Same exact thing happened. Shaking at this point. I called Mike at work. Shaking, crying. Not because I wasn't happy about another baby. It was because I've always had difficult pregnancy and delivered prematurely and I was scared our luck was running out. What if this one came way to early and didn't survive. He had to call me back. Well he is always so calm, cool, and collected. He did end up coming home a little early that day. I did think wow that line showed up fast and bright. I have a friend who has twins that the same line was bright very quickly for her too. The thought went through my head but twins are rare. Mike and I joke for the next few weeks about twins.
February 19th 2015. Our first doctors appointment. I go straight to the untrasound. My doctor always does a untrasound the first visit since I am prone to miscarriages and I have go be referred to a Maternial-Fetal Medicine doctor. The risk on miscarriage goes down to 5% after the heartbeat is seen. When my doctor was looking for baby she had to really dig and search for it. She found it and Mike jokingly said "is there only one in there". Doc chuckled and said yes and we don't want to add
anymore risk to this pregnancy then we already have to deal with.
This brings us to March 9th. My appointment with the high risk pregnancy doctor. He is the same doctor I went to with Jamie. The same nurse the same sonographer. I didn't care for her last time. We
had to keep telling her to correct my name and D.O.B in the computer. And when we found out Jamie was a girl she typed "it's a girl sorry dad". She started the ultrasound for this pregnancy. I thought I saw one baby then she moved to a different part do my tummy and I saw another baby. But also thought I have no idea how those machines work. I saw her out of my peripheral vision look at me. Then she said "did you know you were having twins"? I looked at Mike and then at her and said no. She said well you are. I said there was only one in there 3 weeks ago, someone is wrong. About that time the doctor walked in and he asked how I was doing? I said well she just told me I was having twins. He said "This wasn't on the schedule for today". I said "This whole pregnancy wasn't on the schedule." Then he proceeded to tells us all the different types of twins. I thought there was only fraternal and identical.
1.Fraternal Twins are when 2 eggs are fertilized with 2 sperm.
2. Diamniotic, dichorionic Twins are identical and have two separate placentas, amniotic sac. These twins split in the 3 days of conceptions.
3. Diamniotic, Monochorionic Twins are identical and their placentas fuss together and they share the placenta. They each have their own amniotic sac. This split occurs four to seven days after conception.
4. Monoamniotic, Monochorionic Twins are identical and they share a placenta and the amniotic sac. This split occurs after the eighth day.
After the doctor explained all these different types Mike asked so which ones do we have? We have diamniotic, monochorionic identical twins. #3 One of the risks with these twins is twin to twin transfusion. This is where one baby would pump to much blood and the other baby would not pump enough blood. There is something that can be done to fix this if it happens. A doctor can cauterize the artery. However there is no one in Kansas that does this I would need to go to Philadelphia or Dallas. It's sound like fun to go to these places but not under those circumstances. Another risk factor is if on baby dies it will relax and stop pumping blood back to the other baby. I don't know if there is anything that can be done in that case. I really only heard a third of what he was saying after I heard the word twins. I also figure I can't worry about the what ifs. We will cross those bridges if we come to them. For now we are waiting on a genetic test for Down syndrome and some other genetic test. I can't remember because the doctor said he didn't see that this would be an issue he didn't see anything abnormal in the ultrasound. We also chose to find out gender with that blood test. We will know in a week if we are adding 2 boys or 2 girls to the Brown zoo.
If all genetic testing comes back normal, I'm scheduled for a cerclage on Thursday March 19th. This
is a stitch in my cervix. I have an incompetent cervix that thins and opens way before it is suppose to. Mike likes to calls it a stupid cervix. For now we are taking one day at a time. Praying everything goes as smooth as it can.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Giving others hope
This has been on my mind whether or not to blog about what happened on Saturday after mass. I was going back and forth because I am a private person and also sometime think no one wants to read about my boring little life. (Though it is not boring to me, we are a really busy family) And it involves another family and their little baby boy who is in the fight of his life. He was diagnosed with Leukemia at the age of 5 months. And is now starting the process for a bone marrow transplant. Mike tells me to give things that are on my mind the 24 hour rule. Well it has been well over 24 hours and it's still on my mind.
The little baby, his mommy, daddy, and sister are members at our parish. I knew who they were because we would be in the cry room during mass with our kids, but never formally introduced myself. Their daughter is Jamie's age and will be in the same class. So our paths were going to cross eventually. I wished it would have been like that not this. Once their son was diagnosed with Leukemia I started following his page on Facebook. One day I felt the need to reach out to his parents via the Facebook page. They had wrote an update talking about their ongologist. I was pretty sure that is was the same oncologist that Mike and I had when we where kid battling cancer. I wanted his parents to know that their son had the best doctor in the midwest and one of the top 5 in the country. I wanted them to know that Mike and I both had cancer as children and now we are blessed with 4 beautiful happy healthy kids of our own. I told them if they wanted to talk with us to give us a call. That gave them some comfort, as much comfort as you can have when your little baby is battling cancer.
Saturday after mass this couple and their daughter were at mass together for the first time in a long time. See when you have not infection fighting cells you are not able to go anywhere. Grandma was in town and stayed home the their son so they could go to church as a family. They came up to Mike and I and introduced themselves. They are very sweet. We chatted about our experiences a little bit. We talked about Dr. Rosen, we reminded them to look at that wall of photos in Dr. Rosen's office of all the kids who have beat this horrible cancer. They told us Dr. Rosen has went digital, it is no longer a wall but he some type of slide show of all the pics now.
The mom told us with tears in her eyes, she that she was told there would be ups and downs. She was having one of those down times when she was praying to God to help her through this tough time and give her strength. She said we took up gifts that night at mass and she then knew that seeing our family of six was her sign from God everything was going to be ok. Mike and I told them it will be a tough road but they can get there and this can be beaten. We told them about Camp Hope and how many kids we know who beat all types of cancers. This little guy needs your prayers.
One year Mike and I put a team of former camper together cook dinner for the campers and volunteers at Camp Hope. I over heard on teenage camper ask "are they all really former campers"? I'm not only hope but so are many, many other kids who have survived cancer. I am blest that I can give kids with cancer and their parents hope. I would rather not have to be "hope" I wished nobody had to endure cancer. One thing I have wanted to do for many years is to voluteer at Victory in the Valley so other kids and families can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel and they can have a wonderful life after cancer.
Please keep this family in your prayers. The little boy needs a bone marrow transplant and his big sister is his match but he needs his cancer to be remission first. Pray that his cancer will go into remission soon so he can start the Bone Marrow transplant soon.
The little baby, his mommy, daddy, and sister are members at our parish. I knew who they were because we would be in the cry room during mass with our kids, but never formally introduced myself. Their daughter is Jamie's age and will be in the same class. So our paths were going to cross eventually. I wished it would have been like that not this. Once their son was diagnosed with Leukemia I started following his page on Facebook. One day I felt the need to reach out to his parents via the Facebook page. They had wrote an update talking about their ongologist. I was pretty sure that is was the same oncologist that Mike and I had when we where kid battling cancer. I wanted his parents to know that their son had the best doctor in the midwest and one of the top 5 in the country. I wanted them to know that Mike and I both had cancer as children and now we are blessed with 4 beautiful happy healthy kids of our own. I told them if they wanted to talk with us to give us a call. That gave them some comfort, as much comfort as you can have when your little baby is battling cancer.
Saturday after mass this couple and their daughter were at mass together for the first time in a long time. See when you have not infection fighting cells you are not able to go anywhere. Grandma was in town and stayed home the their son so they could go to church as a family. They came up to Mike and I and introduced themselves. They are very sweet. We chatted about our experiences a little bit. We talked about Dr. Rosen, we reminded them to look at that wall of photos in Dr. Rosen's office of all the kids who have beat this horrible cancer. They told us Dr. Rosen has went digital, it is no longer a wall but he some type of slide show of all the pics now.
The mom told us with tears in her eyes, she that she was told there would be ups and downs. She was having one of those down times when she was praying to God to help her through this tough time and give her strength. She said we took up gifts that night at mass and she then knew that seeing our family of six was her sign from God everything was going to be ok. Mike and I told them it will be a tough road but they can get there and this can be beaten. We told them about Camp Hope and how many kids we know who beat all types of cancers. This little guy needs your prayers.
One year Mike and I put a team of former camper together cook dinner for the campers and volunteers at Camp Hope. I over heard on teenage camper ask "are they all really former campers"? I'm not only hope but so are many, many other kids who have survived cancer. I am blest that I can give kids with cancer and their parents hope. I would rather not have to be "hope" I wished nobody had to endure cancer. One thing I have wanted to do for many years is to voluteer at Victory in the Valley so other kids and families can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel and they can have a wonderful life after cancer.
Please keep this family in your prayers. The little boy needs a bone marrow transplant and his big sister is his match but he needs his cancer to be remission first. Pray that his cancer will go into remission soon so he can start the Bone Marrow transplant soon.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Camp
Here is my once a year blog entry. It's not because I don't think about it a lot. It's just what I think about writing about would bore everyone. My yearly blog seems to come around time for Camp Hope, well this year is no different.
As I was packing Jessica for Totus Tuus camp yesterday and today I was remembering Camp Hope. I had to psych myself out to not get nervous and worried. She is only going for on overnight, one full day and will be back to Wichita but 1:15pm on the day 3. Piece of cake. I was most nervous because she has to take a daily medicine for her autoimmune disease. I didn't know the procedure. Would the camp consolers hold on to it and give it to her, would she have to remember it herself, and would she remember? This is a crucial time for her to not for get to take this medicine. It's not usually something to be worried about if she forgets a day every month or so but she is going for a growth stimulation test next week. If her thyroid levels are not normal then the test will not come back with the correct results and then there is no chance of the insurance helping us with growth hormone shots. I left her feeling very confident that things were taken care of. I check her medicine it with the person in charge of all the meds.
So how does this all tie into Camp Hope? Well she is going to be gone a total of 2 days. Remember I said I was nervous about her medicine? I thought "how in the world did my parents leave me at the age of 8 for 5 day's and 6 night's with cancer on chemotherapy'? "How does any parent leave there child fighting cancer in the hands of people they have never met before"? Well I can tell you I am so thankful my parents and all the other parents left us at an amazing camp with the most amazing people I have met in my life. If it wasn't for some mother's dream of having a place for kids with cancer to go for a week long summer camp I would not be where I am today. I would not have met Mike and married him. Trust me our paths would not have crossed any other way. I really don't know where I would be. I would not have met some of the most amazing people I have met through camp and even the church that we belong to. Because without Mike we would not be at the church we are at.
I also realized how lucky and blessed Camp Hope is to have all the donors to make this camp free of charge to all of the kids to attend a entire week. I had to pay $150 for Jessica to go just 2 days to this her camp. On the list of things to bring was Sunscreen and Bug repellent. That is when it really hit me how blessed Camp Hope is to have the donors they have. I never had to worry about packing bug repellent or sunscreen that was provided by Camp Hope. I paid $150 for Jessica to go to a church camp and still had to provide my own sunscreen and bug repellent. Oh and yeah they asked everyone to bring a small container of drink mix, 12 bottles of water, and snacks to share. I don't want to sound like a Debby downer but what it the world did my $150 pay for. I know it's not cheap to run one of these camps, so I am sure it is being put to good use. Trust me the food alone is not cheap. Mike and I provided a meal for Camp Hope last year and it was a lot for just one meal. We are lucky enough to be able to do it again this year. This was our way of donating to the camp we love so much.
Our crew of cooks last year were all former campers and cancer survivors. I over heard one of the older campers ask "Are they all really former camper"? At that moment I realized what and inspiration we were to this kids. To see us live and well. Giving them Hope that cancer can be beaten. We will see you all again in a couple of weeks for another delicious meal.
Camp Hope has been through it's challenges this past year. The first one was the American Cancer Society was no longer going to fund Camp Hope. Everyone thought that was the end of Camp Hope. Then Kans for Kids took over. Yay. Then the dining hall at Camp burned down. http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.campsforkids.org%2Fcamps%2Fcamphope.html&h=aAQEVz2YD Many memories where made in that dining hall and the balcony off the dining hall. The Camp committee worked hard and found somewhere to hold camp this year. I hope to return as a volunteer again someday.
To all the campers and volunteers who will he arriving at a new place in just 2 weeks. Make new memories and new adventures. It will be the same amazing people and some new people to watch over and care for this kids battling the fight of their lives. So I have no doubt that is will be just as big of a blast as it always has been.
Camp Hope "We shall prevail"
As I was packing Jessica for Totus Tuus camp yesterday and today I was remembering Camp Hope. I had to psych myself out to not get nervous and worried. She is only going for on overnight, one full day and will be back to Wichita but 1:15pm on the day 3. Piece of cake. I was most nervous because she has to take a daily medicine for her autoimmune disease. I didn't know the procedure. Would the camp consolers hold on to it and give it to her, would she have to remember it herself, and would she remember? This is a crucial time for her to not for get to take this medicine. It's not usually something to be worried about if she forgets a day every month or so but she is going for a growth stimulation test next week. If her thyroid levels are not normal then the test will not come back with the correct results and then there is no chance of the insurance helping us with growth hormone shots. I left her feeling very confident that things were taken care of. I check her medicine it with the person in charge of all the meds.
So how does this all tie into Camp Hope? Well she is going to be gone a total of 2 days. Remember I said I was nervous about her medicine? I thought "how in the world did my parents leave me at the age of 8 for 5 day's and 6 night's with cancer on chemotherapy'? "How does any parent leave there child fighting cancer in the hands of people they have never met before"? Well I can tell you I am so thankful my parents and all the other parents left us at an amazing camp with the most amazing people I have met in my life. If it wasn't for some mother's dream of having a place for kids with cancer to go for a week long summer camp I would not be where I am today. I would not have met Mike and married him. Trust me our paths would not have crossed any other way. I really don't know where I would be. I would not have met some of the most amazing people I have met through camp and even the church that we belong to. Because without Mike we would not be at the church we are at.
I also realized how lucky and blessed Camp Hope is to have all the donors to make this camp free of charge to all of the kids to attend a entire week. I had to pay $150 for Jessica to go just 2 days to this her camp. On the list of things to bring was Sunscreen and Bug repellent. That is when it really hit me how blessed Camp Hope is to have the donors they have. I never had to worry about packing bug repellent or sunscreen that was provided by Camp Hope. I paid $150 for Jessica to go to a church camp and still had to provide my own sunscreen and bug repellent. Oh and yeah they asked everyone to bring a small container of drink mix, 12 bottles of water, and snacks to share. I don't want to sound like a Debby downer but what it the world did my $150 pay for. I know it's not cheap to run one of these camps, so I am sure it is being put to good use. Trust me the food alone is not cheap. Mike and I provided a meal for Camp Hope last year and it was a lot for just one meal. We are lucky enough to be able to do it again this year. This was our way of donating to the camp we love so much.
Our crew of cooks last year were all former campers and cancer survivors. I over heard one of the older campers ask "Are they all really former camper"? At that moment I realized what and inspiration we were to this kids. To see us live and well. Giving them Hope that cancer can be beaten. We will see you all again in a couple of weeks for another delicious meal.
Camp Hope has been through it's challenges this past year. The first one was the American Cancer Society was no longer going to fund Camp Hope. Everyone thought that was the end of Camp Hope. Then Kans for Kids took over. Yay. Then the dining hall at Camp burned down. http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.campsforkids.org%2Fcamps%2Fcamphope.html&h=aAQEVz2YD Many memories where made in that dining hall and the balcony off the dining hall. The Camp committee worked hard and found somewhere to hold camp this year. I hope to return as a volunteer again someday.
To all the campers and volunteers who will he arriving at a new place in just 2 weeks. Make new memories and new adventures. It will be the same amazing people and some new people to watch over and care for this kids battling the fight of their lives. So I have no doubt that is will be just as big of a blast as it always has been.
Camp Hope "We shall prevail"
Friday, June 14, 2013
Camp Hope
It has been 9 months since my last post. When I looked back to see what I wrote about it was my cancer. Now it has been almost 26 years since I was diagnosed. I don't feel I should be that old. :) I decided to write today about Camp Hope. I always get emotional this time a year because the post on Facebook about Camp Hope. It is so hard for me to not be there. This year seems a lot harder then any other year.
I was talking with a friend today and we were discussing plans for the next 3 weeks. Camp Hope came up in the discussion. I told her I really wanted to go for a visit this year because it was going to be the last Camp Hope. The American Cancer Society is going to stop funding cancer camps. My only wish is that Camp Hope would no longer be need because there would no longer be cancer. Well the ACS has decided to put more money to finding a cure for cancer and for that I will stand behind them and support them. I literally had to hold back tears. I knew that Camp Hope meant a lot to me but it really hit me today. I have met some amazing people through camp. Some of my closest friends I met at Camp Hope including my husband. I'm sure that every husband and wife connects in ways but it is something truly special that Mike and I have together. We are both easy going about life. I think it is because we have lived and seen the hardships of what a horrible awful thing called cancer can do. We know there are worse things then broken windows from a storm on your house, a flooded basement. (These are things that the Brown's have had to deal with in the last 9 months.) Off subject a little bit. Our basement flooded last September due to sump pump failure. And a month and a half ago a bad storm came through and golf ball sized hail broke 12 plus windows. Mike and I just looked at each other and said there are worst things that can happen and started clean mode.
I started going to camp when I was 8 years old and went every year until I was 21 years old. I took that year off to go too Las Vegas. The next June I was pregnant and had to take a couple of years off. I went back for a couple more years. But the more kids I had I didn't want to leave them with grandparents to run to all their summer activities. One down fall of meeting your sole mate at camp where you both go every summer is he can't stay home to watch the kids so you can go. Well ok he can stay home but I would never ask him to do that. Camp means as much to him as it does me.
It is a place where as a kid you see other kids with scars from surgeries from where cancer had to be removed, kids have hickman's, kids with no hair. And non of the kids are made fun of or have to worried about explaining it to anyone who asks "what happened" "what is that in your chest" (Meaning Hickman) because we all have went through the same thing and understand.
I believe God has a plan for everything. I would cry and ask my mom "Why do I have to have cancer?" I missed out on so much of what my friends where doing do to chemo or a weak immune system. My mom would cry and said "I don't know, if I could take it all away I would." It was not until I married Mike Brown from Camp Hope that I realized God's plan for me to have cancer was so I would go to camp hope and meet amazing people and my husband. We now have 3 girls and 1 boy.
I am thankful for all of the volunteer who take vacation time to help out at camp. Without these amazing people camp would not be what it is today. I hope to come and visit this year. Really what I want is someone else to take over funding for Camp Hope and keep it going. Thanks for the wonderful memories!
I was talking with a friend today and we were discussing plans for the next 3 weeks. Camp Hope came up in the discussion. I told her I really wanted to go for a visit this year because it was going to be the last Camp Hope. The American Cancer Society is going to stop funding cancer camps. My only wish is that Camp Hope would no longer be need because there would no longer be cancer. Well the ACS has decided to put more money to finding a cure for cancer and for that I will stand behind them and support them. I literally had to hold back tears. I knew that Camp Hope meant a lot to me but it really hit me today. I have met some amazing people through camp. Some of my closest friends I met at Camp Hope including my husband. I'm sure that every husband and wife connects in ways but it is something truly special that Mike and I have together. We are both easy going about life. I think it is because we have lived and seen the hardships of what a horrible awful thing called cancer can do. We know there are worse things then broken windows from a storm on your house, a flooded basement. (These are things that the Brown's have had to deal with in the last 9 months.) Off subject a little bit. Our basement flooded last September due to sump pump failure. And a month and a half ago a bad storm came through and golf ball sized hail broke 12 plus windows. Mike and I just looked at each other and said there are worst things that can happen and started clean mode.
I started going to camp when I was 8 years old and went every year until I was 21 years old. I took that year off to go too Las Vegas. The next June I was pregnant and had to take a couple of years off. I went back for a couple more years. But the more kids I had I didn't want to leave them with grandparents to run to all their summer activities. One down fall of meeting your sole mate at camp where you both go every summer is he can't stay home to watch the kids so you can go. Well ok he can stay home but I would never ask him to do that. Camp means as much to him as it does me.
It is a place where as a kid you see other kids with scars from surgeries from where cancer had to be removed, kids have hickman's, kids with no hair. And non of the kids are made fun of or have to worried about explaining it to anyone who asks "what happened" "what is that in your chest" (Meaning Hickman) because we all have went through the same thing and understand.
I believe God has a plan for everything. I would cry and ask my mom "Why do I have to have cancer?" I missed out on so much of what my friends where doing do to chemo or a weak immune system. My mom would cry and said "I don't know, if I could take it all away I would." It was not until I married Mike Brown from Camp Hope that I realized God's plan for me to have cancer was so I would go to camp hope and meet amazing people and my husband. We now have 3 girls and 1 boy.
I am thankful for all of the volunteer who take vacation time to help out at camp. Without these amazing people camp would not be what it is today. I hope to come and visit this year. Really what I want is someone else to take over funding for Camp Hope and keep it going. Thanks for the wonderful memories!
Thursday, September 6, 2012
My Cancer Story
25 years ago yesterday I collapsed on the playground at
school. I have no memory of that, but I do remember not feeling well and
wanting to tell the teacher. But saw a kid in my class tell the teacher he
didn't feel good and she sent him back in line. The teacher said it is just the
beginning of school jitters. Next thing
I remember, is the teacher telling me my mom was going to come and pick me up to take me to the
Doctor. I remember thinking "how did she
know I didn't feel good." It was my first grade teacher who brought my second
grade teacher, and my parents aware of my illness.( Sidni Van Allen Dohm Your
mom will always hold a special place in my heart for what she did for me.) That day my doctor felt my spleen and told my
parents he thought I had cancer. Thanks to my wonderful doctor for not messing
around with test after test and for sending me straight to Wichta. (Heather
Hicklin Henke your dad had huge part in saving my life.) Next I was sent to
Wichita for testing. 25 years ago today
I was going through a lot of tests.
Spinal tap, Bone marrow, blood tests, one I remember needing to drink
some orange drink and it took several hours and I fell asleep on the table. 25 years ago tomorrow the doctor walked into
my hospital room and told us that I had Luekemia, ALL. I spent the next 3 weeks in the hospital
going through chemotheropy and the next three year back and forth to Wichita
for treatment. I also had to miss a lot of school in that 3 years. If there was a chicken pox outbreak I had to be out of school until it was all completely gone. So when I felt good enough to go to school I still had to stay home. Sounds like the dream huh? Not really. Something as little as chicken pox could have killed me. And I was missing out on everything my friends were doing which made it hard to stay connected to friends. I did get chicken pox and had to be rushed to Wichita to the hospital so I could be be watched closely.
Seems like a lot for a young kid to go through but I am a survivor. It forever changed my
life. It made me stronger then I think I
would have been other wise and it made me take life in, and not sweat the small
stuff. It also gave me my husband and
family. It also brought of amazing people in my life thanks to Donna Brown and Camp Hope. God truly has a plan for everything.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Mom of 4
I can't believe Jamie is 3 weeks old already. Jessica was telling us that her 1 month birthday is in 2 weeks and I thought to myself "that can't be we just brought her home 9 days ago. So I guess in some ways it feels like she is only 9 days old. I wondered if the first month goes by this quickly for mothers of term babies who get to bring their babies home in 24hrs. of delivery? We are so happy to have Jamie home with us and she is loved so much. Mike and I are spoiling her so much already. I think it is because we know she is our last baby. I would love to have more but, I can't carry a baby to term and I am afraid I am pressing my luck I have been very blessed and lucky to carry until the critical stage is over. Just a couple of days before Jamie was released from the hospital and little 27 weeker was brought in. His mom's had PROM (premature of rupture the membranes) This is what I have but I can make it until at least 32 weeks. There is no way of knowing what causes this but I have tried every thing from bed rest to progesterone shots once a week and I still seem to go into premature labor. We are very blessed to have the 4 healthy kids we do have.
We learning real quick that this unorganized, procrastinating mom and dad are going to have to learn how to be organized parents. Usually if the dish washer needs unloading and I don't have time to do it all at once I just let it set. If I don't have time to put a whole basket of clothes away I just let them set until I have time to put all the clothes away at the same time. Well I am learning very quick that if I have 1 minute to put the silverware away then I am that much farther ahead when I get more time to unload the dish washer. Or if I have 5 minutes to put a few clothes away instead of the whole basket then I do it. The older kids are good at helping out if I ask but I don't ask a whole lot. Part of it is because I just have a hard time asking for help. So if you just drop by or even if I know you are coming then you will find my house a mess. I want to enjoy my kids and I always go back to the saying "My cobwebs will keep, my baby won't."
Speaking of have a little time here and there to get things done there is a basket of Jamie's clothes that need put away, and Dillon has a basket too. I have 2 baskets of Mike and I 's clothes to put away. The dishwasher is still running so I don't need to worry about that yet. Dillon is wanting a snack. but I need a shower, so I better get to it. It doesn't take long to get behind.
We learning real quick that this unorganized, procrastinating mom and dad are going to have to learn how to be organized parents. Usually if the dish washer needs unloading and I don't have time to do it all at once I just let it set. If I don't have time to put a whole basket of clothes away I just let them set until I have time to put all the clothes away at the same time. Well I am learning very quick that if I have 1 minute to put the silverware away then I am that much farther ahead when I get more time to unload the dish washer. Or if I have 5 minutes to put a few clothes away instead of the whole basket then I do it. The older kids are good at helping out if I ask but I don't ask a whole lot. Part of it is because I just have a hard time asking for help. So if you just drop by or even if I know you are coming then you will find my house a mess. I want to enjoy my kids and I always go back to the saying "My cobwebs will keep, my baby won't."
Speaking of have a little time here and there to get things done there is a basket of Jamie's clothes that need put away, and Dillon has a basket too. I have 2 baskets of Mike and I 's clothes to put away. The dishwasher is still running so I don't need to worry about that yet. Dillon is wanting a snack. but I need a shower, so I better get to it. It doesn't take long to get behind.
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